you have no clue how much we all miss you already.

i know you couldn't help yourself...
but its his birthday.

i regret so much.
i kept telling myself that after i came bak from UK
the first thing i would do is go and visit you
but i kept hanging out,
kept delaying it...
until today
which i barely saw you for...
maybe for just like 10 minutes i was with you?
and then you left all of us.

i just wish i could have been a better grand daughter,
i wish i visited you more, spent more time with you.

i know you waited for her to visit you,
the doctor said you left late,
everyone told me that you waited for her...
and i should have thought about bringiing my laptop
and u could have webcammed with her...
she was the one you loved the most outta all your grand children..
i really wish you and her could have seen her for the last time

i remember as a child, you always bought me hershey's cookies and cream chocolate..
and slowly... my favorite flavor became cookies and cream.
i remember that me and my sister always fought for the bars of cookies and cream chocolate you bought us...

then when i grew up.. we grew apart..
i didnt understand why you left us, i felt mad
and i was really angry at you doing all the stuff to our family
but now.. i think.. you had your reasons.. i dont know what reasons
but im sure you did cause you wouldnt have done that to us.
at first when you came back,
i was like WTF.
but then i found out you were sick.
in the beginning, i refused to visit you
but my mom told me you were getting worst and worst everyday...
and i got scared you'll leave us...
so i visited you whenever my mom asked me to

watching you get skinnier and weaker day by day was really painful...
and when summer came,
i made sure i visited you everyday, well not everyday but at least once in 2 days cause by that time, your condition was unstable and the doctors said you were gonna leave soon.
but then i went to uk.
and when my mom texted me telling me you were really ill,
i was really scared, the only time someone in my family passed away, i was too little to understand. but this time i understood...
i told myself i had to visit you..
but i only did today...
i had 4 whole days to visit you and spend more time with you..
but i didnt go.. until today
and when i saw you today..
i wanted to cry.. but i held my tears
it only had been 3 weeks,
and you became so skinny,
so weak.
sooo much skinnier and sooooo much weaker..
when i called you the first time..
i dont think you heard me
i had to go right next to your ear and called you really loudly, then you heard
i dont think you recognized me in the beginning, but i guess you remembered after...
i was gonna cry...
but i was sick too
so i had to go home..

but at night, we recieved a call from my mom in the hospital.
everyone at home rushed there. and by the time i saw you,
it was too late..
everyone wass crying.
i tried to held my tears, but i just couldnt...
i couldnt take the fact that you were gone..
and even though you didnt really watch me grow up..
and we werent that close..
but i cried..

where ever you are,
i'll always talk to you
and i know your gonna always be somewhere here...
listening to our whole family
and your gonna protect us too right?

we miss you, we all do..
x